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1. Kiss Off

Kiss Off

A pet peeve of mine is people saying that was in the ​past, get over it, live in the present. 

They like to say this whenever I share an unhappy ​memory. However, I'll see posts of grief from losing ​loved ones, memories that pop up and conjure ​warm feelings, and stories told and retold how great ​a grandma's lasagna recipe is, how dad taught ​someone to mow the lawn, or how a sibling was ​always a childhood best friend.

Seems to me, good memories are fair game and bad ​memories are shameful. Don’t air your dirty laundry, ​even if it’s from 40 years ago. 

Only certain memories are worth holding onto, and ​to some extent that's true. It's also true it gives the ​false assumption everyone had relatively perfect ​childhoods and can't possibly relate to sharing ​anything negative about anything from the past. It's ​ok to celebrate the past. It's not ok to criticize it.

Aug. 13, 2024

Criticism is complaining. Kids are coddled too much these days, if a parent dislikes a school ​they'll give up on the school and homeschool the kid. Instead of teaching resilience, it's ​teaching resistance. It's teaching division, and not the math kind. I don't blame the kids, it's ​the parents. Maybe it’s my generation.

We were told we were all special and loved, and that we can be anything we want when ​we grow up. A scientist, a doctor, lawyer, actor, musician, book publisher, veterinarian, ​dentist, librarian, chef, and that’s not all: no matter what you do it’s a career and it’s a ​job and people will respect you.

I was listening to “Kiss Off” by the Violent Femmes and it reminded me of that feeling most of us ​get realizing everything we were told by the establishment, authority figures, teachers, pastors, ​and parents, was just to keep us in line and behave in society. Not a bad idea, except that the ​false promises that we’d all be respected employed adults by age 25 was kinda bullshit. Now, if ​you work the deli counter that’s an entry level job. If you cashier at a gas station, you need a ​second job. If you have a baby without a great job you’re irresponsible. 

In the Violent Femmes’ song, it begins asking for a person to talk to. ​Then, the “[s]ituation gets rough, then I start to panic” sings the ​protagonist because nothing they do is enough; “It’s just a habit” and ​someone says “Hey, kid, you’re sick.” People stare behind this kid ​behind their back, and no matter how much hurt they feel it’s ​repeated that the people hurting them bad “do it all the time.” That ​is a statement not a question. It’s a very assertive observation. The ​people repeatedly hurting this kid also have a habit. 

What can only be an impression of authority, the snarky line “I hope ​you know that this will go down on your permanent record” ​resonates as some kind of threat. 

The retort is a classic: “Oh yeah?/ Well, don’t get so distressed/ Did I ​happen to mention that I’m impressed?”

Who’s impressed? Is this like giving your kids the ​10 Commandments but then insisting they vote ​for a guy who broke all of them? Mockingly we ​chide the tree huggers as bleeding heart liberals, ​as wanting to give all these things away to ​undeserving Americans who didn’t work hard for ​what they have. Or as hard as others. You chose to ​drop out, you chose to not to go college, you ​chose not to go to trade school.

It’s not much of a choice if people around you are ​saying that some people just don’t have the skills ​and talents others have. Therefore, these entry ​level low paying job are going to a class of adults ​now in their 40s, with or without college degrees ​or professional certification and licensure, are ​blamed for making the wrong choices. Nobody ​ever said that if everyone is doing the same career ​path, that’s competition, and there may be more ​candidates for that job than there are jobs for that ​career.

Nobody was taught how to pivot. Creativity, artistic ​vision, thinking outside the box are great assets to ​have and often frowned upon in school for being ​frivolous or not academic enough. Standardized tests ​and how to pass them was crucial for success, and ​families able to afford tutors had an upperhand. Now, ​if a kid has to creatively excel without doing well on ​standardized tests, because of their family’s poverty ​or their zip code or whatever, we call these kids DEI ​hires. And it’s no surprise these kids who have had to ​mentally figure out how to get from point A to point B ​and pursue their dreams were left out because they ​took a non-traditional route. 

People without experiencing true poverty or adversity ​have a delusional mindset all these kids have to do is ​get past all that adversity and impoverishment and be ​like all the other kids in affluent areas like magic. ​Blend in. Don’t stand out.

And don’t complain or criticize the system. So, back to the Violent ​Femmes song, where the singer counts 10 reasons why they are ​doing whatever it is they’re doing. Pills. Drinks. Naps. They take ​one because “you left me.” 

Was it the system that left the kid? Sorry, you just don’t fit in with ​what we have written here on paper. The plan is a plan for a ​reason, we have no builtin protocols for kids who had to ​overcome all odds, obstacles, and obstructions in place. Odds, ​obstacles, and obstructions are things that happen to kids who ​grow up and fail at the plan. There’s no plan on how to take a kid ​out of a place that wreaks of personal failure, of parental ​mediocrity, of chaos or abuse. Of less-than-perfect homes. 

Angry teens and adults naturally have mental health problems, ​then. Never blame the system.

Growing up in a house with a mentally ill mother and abusive father ​leaves so many marks on the psyche. Although I 1000% support ​everyone championing for better mental healthcare in this country, ​to vote against universal healthcare because the working families ​should just work more or work harder or work smarter negates the ​main principle: Claiming the most serious health issue is lack of ​mental healthcare for all and then holding the belief that healthcare ​is only for those who can afford it.

That's it. One mental illness in the family casts a shadow over the ​entire group. Children are especially vulnerable.

I was that child who knew asking for help was a good thing, ​because neglected and abused children just have to find a trusted ​person or some amazingly observant savior would recognize my ​suffering and swoop in and save me.

Neither of that happened.

Children are resilient, either they're ​bypassing the drama and trudging forward ​or they're dissociating from reality to ​survive. I was more the former than the ​latter until age or reason started to set in. I ​had the mindset things could be worse, I ​had Barbies, some cute clothes, so what's ​so bad? Also, I wasn't getting physically ​beat up or tortured. Plus, I didn't realize ​my mom was mentally ill so she had my ​complete trust and I believed everything ​she said.

For a long time it was about earning ​independence for me, like I was an ​indentured servant earning my freedoms ​eked out piecemeal at random times.

I had overly strict parents (not my brother though, ​weirdly enough) and every peer was pushed away from ​the friend zone because the rules never made sense to ​my peers or their parents trying to arrange their kids ​hanging out with me. Some parents are overly-strict and ​don't let teens gain independence. It can become very ​lonely and isolating.

I think if the consequences are clear for a teen that their ​choice in friends, in their actions, are paid attention to at ​home and breaking trust leads to punishment at home ​then your teen will behave. Because the instructions and ​rules are clear.

They said do well at standardized tests ​and I did. They said get all A’s and I did. At ​some point it’s not realistic to think these ​are the only things someone needs to get ​ahead. There’s so much more than that. 

Realizing I had no one to talk to out of legit ​fear and threat from my mother (“don’t ​talk to anyone but me”) the older I got the ​less I could creatively think my own way ​out of whatever situation it was that other ​high school seniors were navigating with ​support, assistance, and a plan. I had no ​plan, and no one was helping me ​transition into adulthood except for ​constant seclusion and exclusion from ​participating in regular teen rites of ​passage. I didn’t go to Prom. None of it ​mattered to me anymore.

Listening to the list of ten things in “Kiss Off” makes ​me wonder if it’s a sly comeback to the 10 ​Commandments. If you take one away “‘cause you ​left me” is that feeling abandoned by God? Two, for ​my family, who are no longer idols and three for ​heartache because “omg” don’t take the Lord’s name ​in vain? Four is for the headaches, and is about going ​to church on Sundays, which often can feel like a ​headache if (as in my case) you’re dragged there by ​an abusive father with a mother refusing to attend, ​and have to pretend to act normal in public as you ​witness someone force you to attend Catholic mass ​as if sending you there will absolve him of his sins. ​Because the 10 Commandments command it. Five is ​“for my lonely” and if you’re lonely and have both a ​mother and father in the home then it’s not a happy ​home.

Six if for sorrow and thou shalt not murder, or in ​many cases this also means don’t take your own life. ​You’ll go to Hell. Seven is not committing adultery, ​but in the song it’s about “n-n-n-n-no tomorrow” ​which seems to collide with the leftovers of the sixth ​commandment. He forgets what eight is for. 

Nine is “for a lost god” and in the 10 ​Commandments its you shalt not bear false witness ​against your neighbor. If your neighbor believes God ​is real and they are truly blessed, because Jimmy got ​the big promotion, and they got to buy that new car, ​but they worked hard for all this and are blessed by ​God for all their goodness and kindness. Well, then, ​a kid who passes every standardized test but still ​can’t earn independence at home is going to feel ​slighted. Slightly, at least.

Ten is “for everything, everything, everything, ​everything…” or, in the 10 Commandments, it’s for not ​coveting. Very hard to not covet when everyone else ​who’s blessed by God is getting into the good schools, ​landing the great jobs, and going on excellent holidays to ​Belize or Italy or Costa Rica.

If “Kiss Off” was in a new musical about Jesus Christ, it ​would make sense a lot. “They’ll hurt me bad, they do it all ​the time.” Kids who struggle could learn from this lesson, ​not the prosperity Christianity that makes people covet ​the finer things, shiny rims, heated pools, and smart cars.

Parents aren’t teaching their kids to get back up when all ​else fails. When all 10 Commandments fail despite ​insistence if only you do all these things, God will bless ​you. Then, look around you at everyone breaking all the ​rules getting ahead. That’s a mental illness. That’s society ​as a whole operating on a plan of mentally ill ideals.

In the song “Institutionalized” by the Suicidal ​Tendancies, the main character tries very hard, fails ​often, and is told they should find someone ​professional to talk to. This indicates the parents are ​unable to hold a meaningful conversation to help ​their son.

He sings “Drug you up because they’re lazy/ It’s too ​much work to help a crazy” sums up how people really ​treat the mentally ill. 

The enemy isn’t the past, who your family was, or ​whatever hurt you it’s yourself. Fix yourself and the ​rest will disappear and fade into the distance. That’s ​what mental healthcare promises. Hard to cash in on ​that promise if parents can’t afford to get their kids ​help or don’t think they need it. Pull yourself up by the ​bootstraps and quit your bitching.

The parents say “So we decided that it ​would be in your best interest if we put ​you somewhere you could get the help ​that you need,” the song continues. 

The son reacts: “We decided?! My best ​interest?!/

How do you know what my best interest ​is?/

How can you say what my best interest is?/

What are you trying to say? I’m crazy?!/

When I went to your schools/

I went to your churches/

I went to your institutional learning ​facilities!”

While giving up on public schools for teaching ​diversity, equity, and inclusion the problem is ​a new generation of kids will not encounter ​diverse, equitable, and inclusive situations. ​This will further divide the country, and create ​an us vs. them mentality. With that said, the ​mental health of each child is fundamental. ​Someone else’s transgender kid is not your ​problem, it’s not your parents’ problem, or ​your kids’ problem, it’s just a different life ​experience that harms the child being ​attacked by society’s plans to create moldable ​adults out of young impressionable children.

The same attacks were used on not allowing ​black kids into white schools during Jim Crow. ​What if they want to play together at recess? ​What if these cultures collide? How can a ​parent adapt and learn about others if they just ​are too set in their ways, too lazy, to consider ​the world doesn’t revolve around their own ​way of life and ideals?

Both a private and public school ignored my ​mental health crisis, and needless to say my ​homelife ignored it too. It takes a village. ​Isolating your kids from that village creates ​myopia. A narrow minded, ignorant mindset ​that filters out everything that isn’t like ​themselves and their families as ​bad/other/wrong.

This country’s history, the good and the bad matter, as ​much as my own personal history. The problems I have ​today are connected to how I was formed, and what ​made me develop mentally. The USA has the same ​issues. And hell no, we shouldn’t go backwards. We ​should go forwards. All I learned from my quasi-​captivity by a mentally ill mother was that I still go back ​to isolating, to avoiding people, to feeling like I can’t talk ​about certain things because they’re unpleasant.

Sounds familiar doesn’t it? Mental illness is not ​contagious. Transgender is not contagious and it’s also ​not a mental illness. Gay marriage was only legalized in ​2015. Interracial marriage in 1967.

It’s the same shit, different day. Don’t say you care about mental health, then ​demand people who survived hell to keep their mouths shut because it’s ​ruining your vibe. We don’t live in a vacuum. Others’ reactions to others’ ​suffering does contribute to the mental health crisis. If the worst part of ​someone else’s mental health problem is having to hear about it, then count ​yourself blessed. Stop complaining. You can end the conversation, the other ​person has to live daily with the issues.

Ignoring a problem doesn’t make it go away. Taking your kids out of public ​schools won’t end LGBTQ persons existing. Sometimes I feel like everyone ​else is mentally ill, not me.

By 8th grade, kids stopped inviting me over for being sad, for being a bummer, for being ​depressed. I ran in and out of classrooms in high school in tears. Nobody, not one teacher, not ​one staff member, helped me. I had to figure out with all my might how to survive that. And I will ​be damned if I’m told I should keep my past in the past. You can all kiss off into the air.